


Bravery

by RioRiley



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Cancer, Caretaking, Everyone Needs A Hug, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Sickfic, Steve Feels, Steve Rogers Needs a Hug, Terminal Illnesses, Tony Stark Needs a Hug
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-10
Updated: 2018-12-10
Packaged: 2019-09-15 15:29:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,835
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16935837
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RioRiley/pseuds/RioRiley
Summary: Steve gets sick. Really, really sick. He has Bucky, and Tony's there. But they can't fix this one, no matter how bad they wish they could.





	Bravery

Tony has never been great at sleeping on a regular schedule. He finds it hard to get his mind to relax enough to allow him to sleep, and instead of laying in his bed doing nothing, he often resorts to going into his lab. He improves on his suit, and the suits of everyone else on the team. He does research. He sits, and spends a lot of time just thinking. It's a few hours each night, before anyone else is awake, where he can just be alone, alone with his thoughts. He finds it therapeutic, even though he always seems to come out feeling worse about himself than he did when he went in. 

It's early on a Wednesday morning, and Tony is having a classic self pity session when Steve walks into his lab. Tony, a self proclaimed genius, can obviously tell, that something is wrong. It doesn't take a genius to recognize that, though. Steve's face is etched with worry, and he looks not only nervous, but scared. Tony looks up at him, and crosses the room to hug him.

“What's going on?” Tony asks.

Steve laughs. “Nothing's wrong.” 

“A three year old could recognize somethings wrong, Steve.” Tony insists.

Steve looks at the cement ground now, looking even more nervous than before. “Tony I found a lump on my chest while i was in the shower the other day.” Steve says so quietly that Tony can barely hear him.

Tony is nervous now too, for Steve, but instead of admitting that, he insists that it's “probably nothing.” Steve smiles sadly at that, but also shows small signs of hope, that maybe it really is nothing.

“I could call Stephen, or Bruce down here.” Tony suggests. Steve nods, sitting on a nearby chair. Tony sits next to him, and grabs his phone. He calls Bruce, based on the fact that he's about half as intimidating as Stephen can be. Bruce comes down to the lab quickly, wearing a pair of sweatpants. He convinces Steve to lay down on the cold examination table, and Bruce, starts touching the lump. It's rock hard, and he can't move it.

“Steve, I think you'd better see a real doctor about this. I Think it's serious.” Bruce says, showing little to no emotion let alone compassion.

Bruce leaves the room, returning to his apartment, and leaving Tony alone with Steve. “I've donated enough money to the hospital that I can get you in to see a doctor and be back here before Buck wakes up.” Tony says empathetically. 

“Will you come with?” Steve says with a nervous laugh. “I really don't want to go alone.” 

“Of course.” Tony says.

The doctors diagnose Steve with breast cancer. Steve's world seemingly goes on pause. All of the sudden, everything seems uncertain. Everything seems terrifying. He doesn't know what he's supposed to do. How he's going to keep living his life. He doesn't understand why not only does he of all people have cancer, but breast cancer of all types. He doesn't want to be the face of breast cancer. He doesn't want people to think of him, as having cancer. He doesn't want the people who look up to him, think of him and then remember that he's sick. He doesn't want this to be his reality. He doesn't want this to be real. He doesn't want to be sick.

They tell him it's in the early stages, and that a few simple rounds of chemotherapy should be enough to eradicate the tumor. They say that he won't even need surgery, and that they can arrange for him to have the treatments done at headquarters, which makes things so much easier for Steve. But he's still sick. They are still going to poison him. And now he has the privilege of being poisoned in front of the people he considers his family. He hates that. He doesn't want them to see him the way he will be. He doesn't want them too see him lose his hair, or throw up constantly. He doesn't want them to see him go from Captain America, Super Soldier, to Steve Rodgers who is battling cancer.

The doctors make a treatment plan so that things are easier, but hard nevertheless. Steve and Tony walk out of the doctors office, and Tony pulls Steve in for a tight hug.

“What am I going to do?” Steve asks

“You'll fight it.” Tony says. “And you'll win.” He adds, hopefully. They move to nearby chairs, still in too much shock to do much else.

“How am I supposed to tell Bucky?” Steve asks. “What if he doesn't want me around anymore?” 

“Steve that's ridiculous.” Tony says sternly.

The hardest thing Steve has ever done in his entire life, is telling Bucky that he has cancer. Steve gets back to the apartment, and Bucky is sitting on the couch waiting for him. Steve had a plan, to wait a few hours before telling Bucky. He wanted to wait for a good opportunity to mention it, and figured it might be best after their meeting around lunchtime. But his plans fly out the window, as soon as he sees Bucky, Steve walks to the couch and bursts into tears. That's not what he planned either. His plan was to be calm and collected, but he's doing none of that. 

Steve is sitting, inconsolable on the couch, when Bucky kneels down on the ground in front of Steve. He's saying his name over and over again, and he has Steve's head in his hands, forcing him to look at him.

“Baby I can't help you if you don't tell me what's going on.” Bucky whispers, and at this point Bucky's crying too, because Steve is obviously hurting on another level, and Bucky doesn't know how to help him, but the thing is, Steve doesn't know how to tell Bucky. Steve feels like a failure, for getting sick. He's scared that somehow the serum has worn off, because logically, he shouldn't have been able to get cancer. He's scared that Bucky will think less of him. He's scared that he will be a burden. Mostly, Steve Rogers is afraid that he is going to die.

Steve grabs Bucky hand, the one that's actually Bucky, where his wrist has a pulse, and he brings it to his chest, to the lump. The evil lump, threatening to ruin everything. He's hoping that as soon as he feels it, Bucky will know what it is. 

Bucky's face freezes. He knows that's not supposed to be there, and a million possibilities of what the lump is are running through his head, and he doesn't want a single one of them to be reality.

“Steve, what is that?” Bucky asks slowly, trying so hard to fake the sense of calmness.

Steve is crying so hard now that he's on the verge of hyperventilating, as he spits out the bad word, the evil, horrible, no good word. “It's cancer.”

“Cancer?” Bucky asks, hoping he heard wrong. Steve nods.

“It's breast cancer. And they caught it early enough, that it shouldn't be a big deal, but I'm still scared.” Steve says.

“It's okay to be scared Steve. And it's still a big deal, even if it's not as bad as it could have been.” Bucky says.

Bucky is resilient. It's in his very nature to overcome. To win battles. To succeed. His strength got him through the war. His resilience got him through, when he thought he lost Steve in the plane. His strength for him through all of the awful years with Hydra. His strength got him through getting away from them. His resilience got him through the guilt of finding out he had personally killed Tony's parents. His strength got him through the battle with Thanos the best he could. His resilience, is what got him back to Steve after. But Bucky doesn't know how to be resilient now. All he knows is that he has to be strong for Steve. That's his mission now. 

Bucky grabs Steve, holding him way too tight against his chest. Steve's head is in the crook of Bucky's neck, and he's shaking. He's terrified.

“Don't you worry soldier. Were going to fight this battle together.” Bucky says with a sad smile.

“I want to fight it! I don't want to die, Buck!” Steve says, inconsolable.

“You're not going to die, Steve. Not on my watch.” Bucky says, kissing Steve's forehead.

Bucky is there the next week, as Stephen Strange hooks the iv chemotherapy up to Steve. He had warned Steve that he might feel a burning sensation as it goes in. Steve disregards that, feeling as though he's been through enough that he should be fine with the medication. As it turns out, the feeling of the medication burns so badly, that he has to catch his breath. Bucky's there, holding his hand, rubbing little circles into his palm. He tells Steve how much he loves him. He tells him that it will be over soon, which is a lie because Steve has to be hooked up to the medication for two hours on a slow drip. It's agonizing for the first while, as his body adjusts to the unwelcome medication, but Steve ultimately finds a way to fall asleep, and avoid the discomfort through unconsciousness. 

By the time Steve wakes up, Bucky's still there, and Tony has joined them. He wakes up to catch Bucky admitting how absolutely terrified he is to watch Steve go through this. Steve keeps his eyes closed for a minute more, to ensure Bucky doesn't know he's heard the confession, but the truth is, Steve's terrified too. 

He spends a lot of time in between treatment days sleeping. He has no energy, and the only time he seems to feel okay, is when he's asleep. Stephen insists he needs all the rest he can get. Bruce claims sleep fights cancer, and Steve thinks that's a load, but he uses the excuse anyway, when Bucky mentions he's been sleeping too much. When he isn't sleeping, he still spends most of his time in bed, preferably cuddling close to Buck. He feels safe when he's in Bucky's arms.

It's a cruel twist of fate, a few months into his treatment, when Bucky makes mention that Steve looks just like he did before the super serum. He's lost all of his muscle mass. His cheeks are thin, and hollow looking. 

They go public about the cancer. Tony holds a short press conference, no questions were allowed, but Steve was more open about it than he thought he would be.

“I've been diagnosed with Breast Cancer. It's been caught early, and with proper treatment, my prognosis is great. I have a long road ahead, but I am thankful for the love, thoughts and prayers that i have, and will receive.”

It's not much later, when Steve's showering, after another one of his treatments, and Bucky hears a loud thump, come from the shower. He shouts and shouts, but Steve doesn't respond. Bucky has kicked down the door before long, and finds Steve, perfectly conscious, sitting on the ground of the shower, looking at his hands, where a thick clump of his hair, sits entangled in his fingers. Mocking him. 

Steve has had this mentality, that as long as he does what the doctors want, he'll get better. That all the side effects must mean his treatment is working, but that doesn't mean he doesn't hate the side effects.

Bucky turns off the water quickly, and kneels down, pressing soft kisses onto Steves shoulders. Steve's crying. Hyperventilating. Bucky wraps him in a towel, carrying him into their bedroom, and sitting him on their bed before grabbing him clothes and putting them on him, so he doesn't get cold. He gets cold pretty easily these days.

Then, Bucky does what he should have done a couple weeks ago. He walks into their bathroom, and he grabs his razor from the drawer. He knows that you're supposed to like, section off your hair when you buzz it off, but he's not into that much preparation, and instead he just starts going at it, clogging the razor a few times along the way. But he gets job done, and in the end his head is covered in little black peach fuzz.

When he goes back into their room, Steve is asleep. But when he wakes up, things don't go as Bucky expected it to. He figured Steve might cry, that he might be touched that Bucky shaved his head first, honored even. But instead, Steve is sobbing, because “dammit buck, I loved your hair. Now we'll both look stupid.” Bucky doesn't take it personally, he keeps telling himself not to take it personally. It's not long before Steve falls back asleep, and Bucky leaves the apartment. 

It's the first time Bucky has left the apartment without Steve since he got sick. He finds himself in the communal living room. The rest of the team looks shocked.

“I bet that meant a lot to Cap.” Natasha says, kindly.

“He's mad I cut it, and says it looks stupid. That were both going to look stupid now.” Bucky says with a half hearted laugh. Natasha looks at Bucky knowingly, and offers a smile.

“Has Steve shaved his yet?” Tony asks. Bucky shakes his head.

“I wanted to do it first, so he didn't have to feel alone about it.” Bucky says tiredly. “I thought he'd appreciate it.”

“Just give him time. He'll see it was a genuine gesture.” Bruce says.

Bucky is back to his apartment less than a half hour later, and is surprised, when he gets there, to find Steve sitting on a chair he's dragged into the bathroom, shaving his own hair, and beard.

Two weeks later, and the peach fuzz Steve left on his head has also been taken away by the chemo. He's more tired than Bucky thought possible, he's never hungry, and the damned tumor, has spread.

His doctor insists they put Steve on a stronger chemotherapy drug, and start radiation. The radiation, is done once a week, in the hospital, and Steve didn't think it could be worse than the chemo, but it is. It makes his skin feel like it's on fire. It leaves his chest covered in blisters, and his skin a bright red. It wipes him out in more ways than one, taking not only his energy, but much of his will to live. He's resigned to using a wheelchair for a few days after each Radiation treatment, and Steve hates that too. It makes him feel weak. He is weak, but up until this point he was doing a decent job convincing himself otherwise. Now, he feels like he can't ignore it. 

The radiation does not prove to be working either. His cancer is what doctors refer to as resistant. The radiation is making the tumors in his chest shrink, but he's still getting new tumors in other places. It's unheard of for such a thing to happen, for cancer to keep growing like that. His doctors plan to operate. Remove the tumors in his pectoral, and surrounding muscle tissue.

Steve starts talking to Stephen, about how his body healed himself after his car accident. Steve isn't looking for the same results as Stephen. He doesn't care to control time. He just wants to feel better. Stephen teaches him how to meditate, and do light yoga. 

The meditation, helps Steve to refocus his energy, even though he couldn't be paid to admit such a thing. It helps him feel energized. It helps him to understand that he still has a real big chance at beating his illness. It makes him feel alive. It makes him want to live.

Steve knew that wouldn't last long though. Yoga wasn't much to live for, it turns out.

His doctors say that they have no choice but to operate, and remove the tumors in his chest. The operation happens on a Monday, early in the morning. The entire team, is in the waiting room, during the operation, which is a success. 

A few weeks after the surgery, Bucky finds Steve sitting in the communal living room, with Peter and Tony. Steve, is so, so sick, but today, for the first time in a long time, he looks happy.

He's laughing. It's been a long time since Bucky saw him laugh. He's missed that laugh more than anything in the world. Peter is talking to both of them, about school, and that in his history class, they have started talking about World War 2, which in turn means they are talking about Captain America. 

“It was off, sitting in class listening to the teacher talk about you being one of the bravest people who've ever lived because of the stuff that went on in the war.” Peter says.

“Well do you disagree?” Steve says with a laugh.

“Yeah.” Peter says. “I didn't know you then, but i think you're a lot stronger now than then.”

Steve is in remission, with no sign of cancer in his body, for exactly three months, before he feels another lump, below his armpit, on his birthday. His doctors say is a stage four now. The optimism they had when he was first diagnosed, is gone, as soon as they send him in for a pet scan.

His body lights up, like a firework display. Which is damn ironic considering it's the 4th of July. The cancer is everywhere. It's in his lungs. It's in his liver. His kidneys. His stomach. They put him on higher doses of stronger chemotherapy. The highest grade stuff made, and they make it clear to Steve, that this is his only option.

Bucky pushes Steve's wheelchair into the hospital, where Steve is admitted for a three week stay. The doctors pump him full of poison, constantly for the three weeks. He's miserable. His mouth is full of sores, his body hurts. He's tired. And at this point, the chemo is only to keep him around longer. He's terminal. He knows it. The doctors just won't dare say that to him. His doctors have planned for Steve to do the three week cycles with a two week break, for a year, and at this point Steve wonders of they even know what they are doing.

Bucky's there all the time, spending most of his days laying with Steve in the hospital bed. Bucky's hair is growing back, closer to Tony's length, which Steve likes. Steve however, does not have a single hair left on his body. Even his eyelashes have abandoned him. 

“Buck. I don't wanna do this anymore.” Steve says suddenly one afternoon, after about a week of chemo.

“The chemo?” Bucky asks. Steve nods.

“It's not working, baby, and I don't wanna suffer through it.” Steve says tiredly.

“You know what'll happen though, if you stop right?” Bucky asks, his emotions betraying him by letting his eyes well up.

Steve nods, and kisses Bucky on the lips. 

“Well then let's get you home, soldier.” Bucky says with a forced, heartbroken smile.

Bucky feels selfish for wanting Steve to continue the treatment. He feels selfish for wanting Steve to be around longer, regardless of how bad he feels. But at the same time, a part of Bucky wants Steve to be able to, go away, so that he doesnt feel this way anymore. So he isn't sick anymore. But that feels selfish too. 

Rhodey drives Bucky and Steve back to headquarters the next morning, and Bucky promises Steve, that, no matter what, he won't bring Steve back to the hospital. Bucky hates knowing, that he's bringing Steve home to die. 

When they arrive, the entire team is there ready to greet Steve. They hug him. They tell him They love him. Steve takes in every moment of it. He's missed being around them. He and Bucky spend the entire night in the communal living room. The whole team, sleeping on various couches and chairs, Steve in an old leather recliner, that Tony somehow got from his apartment in Brooklyn. They all spend the night talking, and telling stories, many of which Steve had somehow forgotten. 

During the days, the various members of the team spend one on one time with Steve. Bucky is more than happy to give everyone the time with Steve, he doesn't own him, and understands that he isn't the only one who loves him. In a romantic sense, he is the only one, but he's family to every single member of the team. It gives Bucky a good opportunity, to get Steve's things in order. Pay medical bills, and plan his funeral regardless of the denial that it won't ever need to be planned.

Steve always has a rough time in the morning. He wakes up in unbearable pain, assuming he was able to sleep the night before, and normally he can't shake the pain for a few hours. That's always when Natasha comes. She's the only one, aside from Bucky of course, who's allowed to see Steve in the morning. She's consistently been one of Steve's closest friends, and she's good to him. She doesn't treat him like he's made if glass, but at the same time, she's always there when he needs help. He prefers her, when it comes to helping. She never shows the sense of dread when she's helping him. She doesn't pity him, as she lets him put most of his body weight on her as they shuffle to the bathroom. She doesn't go on and on about how he doesn't deserve this. She just does whatever she can to help him, and then carries on as normal, as his best friend.

“You're the best.” Steve says with his winning smile.

“I know.” Natasha says, planting a friendly kiss on his cheek.

Bruce usually comes in once Natasha leaves. Steve doesn't look forward to their time as much as he did before he was sick. Bruce, when he comes in, comes with his laptop. He tells Steve of experimental treatments that he's found online. Drink celery juice. Because apparently the same vegetable that you burn more calories eating than it contains, can literally cure everything, from anxiety, to terminal cancer. Bruce tells him about spiritual treatments in India. Acupuncture. He tells him about freezing the tumors the way you freeze fat cells. Steve does his best to listen. He knows Bruce cant accept the fact that Steve is going to die, and he feels a horrible sense of guilt over the fact that he was the one who told Steve something was wrong. He feels like he's the one who gave Steve cancer, by referring him to the doctor who diagnosed it.

“This isn't your fault.” Steve always says before Bruce leaves.

Bruce always responds with a variation of, “I know. I just wish I could fix it.”

When Thor is around, he comes, and talks with Steve about what might happen after. Thor never really gives him concrete answers. He insists that Steve has agency, and that if he told Steve everything that happens, there wouldn't be any point to Steve's faith. Still, Steve tells him that he hopes that wherever he ends up, that it will be a place he can spend eternity with Bucky, someday. Somewhere quiet, that doesn't need saving. Where his body is whole, and he doesn't have any problems. Somewhere, where when Bucky gets there, he will be whole too.

Peter comes everyday as soon as he's back from school. Steve looks forward to Peter coming everyday. Peter comes to him, simply for help on various homework. All of which, Peter could do in his sleep, but Steve appreciates the gesture of giving him something so normal to do. Peter usually comes to him specifically with his History homework, to ask questions about different time periods, until he can get Steve to start telling a story. Steve will tell him about what it was like growing up, and share memories like the first time he can remember seeing fireworks on the fourth of July. Sometimes, Steve tells Peter the darker stories. The dark sides of the world war. Constantly watching people die, and fighting against the worst people who would ever live. 

“Do you regret anything?” Peter asks him one day.

Steve sits thinking for a while, shakes his head and smiles. “Not a thing.”

“You dont regret making a move on Bucky sooner?” Peter asks.

Steve laughs, even though doing so causes indescribable pain in his chest. 

“It wasn't the same, living, back then. You couldn't just make a move on another man. Especially not during the war.” Steve says. “Bucky knew. He'll the only way he could get me on a date with a woman was if he surprised me with her being wherever we were when we got there. After I woke up, and found out Bucky was still around, it was different. I felt like I'd been given a second chance to be able to be with him. I had to know if he felt the same, and I guess I got real lucky that he felt the same way about me after all that time.” Steve says.

Clint, likes to keep things civil. He asks Steve how he's feeling, and Steve always lies and says he's feeling good that day. He tells him to let him know if he needs anything, Steve says he will, but that's a lie too. He's not going to say a word.

Tony's always the last to come in, and always makes it clear that Steve has saved the best for last. Steve's the most honest with Tony. He tells him how he's really feeling. That he's scared, or in pain. He tells Tony, that he's worried about Bucky. He makes Tony promise to watch out for Bucky after he's gone. 

Tony doesn't make Steve talk like the others do. He understands how much pain it causes Steve to talk much, with all the tumors in his lungs. So Tony just lays down next to Steve in his and Bucky's bed, and he talks to Steve.

He opens up about how growing up, Tony hated Steve. He was jealous of him. His dad, had idolized Steve. Steve had done absolutely no wrong in his life, whereas Tony couldn't seem to do anything right in his father's eyes. Tony tells him how badly he wished his father could have loved him as much as he loved Cap.

“Can you do something for me?” Tony asks. Steve nods. “When you get wherever you go, can you find my parents and tell them I loved them? I didn't tell them that enough Steve. God, I wish I could have just told them I loved them one more time before they died.” Tony asks, tears falling down his cheeks. Steve promises.

After dinner time, which Steve never eats anymore, Bucky has Steve all to himself. That's when they tell each other, over and over again, how much they love each other. It's when they talk about a future they know they won't get to have together. The one where they move, somewhere safe, and inconspicuous, like Utah, but the southern part where it isn't as cold of course. They get a big yellow farmhouse, with a wrap around porch and their little kids are always running around everywhere. They talk about the names they would give their children. How they would raise them, and what they would grow up to accomplish in the world. They talk about dog names too, and breeds. 

They talk about Heaven. Steve promises to save Bucky a spot in line, to meet Walt Disney up there. They make a pact that regardless of what god is there in heaven, they'll find a way to spend eternity together. Steve tells Bucky that he doesn't want to die. 

“I don't want to just leave you by yourself for the rest of your life.” Steve says.

“I'll be okay baby. You don't have to worry about me.” Bucky says.

That's when they kiss, as much as possible. That's when Steve, is in so much pain thatched shaking, and Bucky laying next to him, cuddling him, begging him to suck on the morphine lollipop Steven provided. Finally Steve does it, he takes the grape flavored drug lollipop, and the pain becomes manageable for the first time in a long time.

“You're so brave, baby. You've been so so brave. But it's okay for you to go now.” Bucky says, crying.

Bucky has his arms wrapped around him, and he's constantly planting kisses in the back of Steve's neck. Ges telling him over and over again, that he loves him.

Steve finally says it back, before he falls asleep.

“At ease, Soldier.” Bucky says, planting a kiss on Steve's lips as soon as he's stopped breathing.


End file.
